I am thankful

Thankful: conscious of benefit received.

So I'll admit, I've recently become obsessed with looking up the definitions of words with my Merriam-Webster app, so naturally, on Thanksgiving, I looked up the definition of "thankful" and I was struck by the sweet truth above.

Today, I sat for a while and thought of all the things I am thankful for (based on the definition above), and as much as I would love to say that I am truly "conscious of benefit received", I'm really not. I don't take much time out of life to sit and make myself conscious of all the benefits I've received. So as I went through my day, I practiced. I practiced making myself conscious. My favorite definition of "conscious"? "personally felt". I practiced putting my heart in a position to personally feel each moment and benefit; the breath of life in the morning, the temple the Lord has blessed me with, the host family He perfectly placed me in, a phone call from a beloved friend, car rides filled with prayer (in a car I don't deserve), seeing the faces of the rednecks who raised me, hugging my sweet grandma, the laughter after my dad spilt the stuffing all over himself, and the list goes on. Today I personally felt all the moments and benefits I don't deserve, and for that, I am thankful.

Sitting here, counting my blessings, the root of them all screams out to me. Jesus. I would have none of it without Jesus. So I sit, in tears, in true consciousness of the benefit I have received. LIFE. He died so I would have life. He died so that I would get to experience true joy, hope, humility and love. Out of love He died, to display His love, so I could experience His love. I am thankful for His love, because let me tell you, I do not deserve it. Today, I can firmly say through my tears of reverence, I am "conscious of benefit received", love.

Prior to today, my relationship with the Lord consisted of me telling Him what I needed Him to do for me and me getting upset when it didn't happen when I wanted it to. Rarely did I ever just sit and thank Him for everything He has already done when He was never even obligated to do any of it. He never had to send His Son to save us all from the hell-bound lives we were living, but He did...and man am I thankful He did. Here is the thing, if we lived lives that were driven by the true reverence we had for all the Lord has already done for us, I doubt we would ever really ask for much. If we were genuinely thankful, HE would be enough for us. Yes, we have many desires in our hearts for things, I'm not saying you should go and attempt to fulfill those desires on your own, they were God given desires that are to be fulfilled BY God. If you are walking in His will, He will take care of you. He is faithful and always will be, no matter what suffering is thrown our way, we get to react out of the overflow of gratitude and know that it will all be worked together for our good. All this is easier said then done, and for that I am quite thankful we have a grace-filled God and not an angry one. Understand that I am not saying we should never ask Him for things, He clearly says we are to ask, what I am saying is that we need to ask out of hearts that have a true reverence for all that has already been given to us. Healthy asking. Asking out of thankful hearts. Oxymoron much? Ha, I love that I serve an oxymoron God, He breaks all the rules this world has developed. He is untamed and uncomprehendable.

God knows when we need something,  He would never withold what we needed and His timing is perfect, but He also wants us to want His will. For example, when I am in seasons of my life that I feel stuck and trapped, I ask Him for help, and simply asking causes humility to rise up in me because by asking I am admiting I can't do it alone. He wants us to want HIM. As humans, asking is easy for us, but when you ask with a truly thankful heart, we can't avoid the humilty. While I was spending the day practicing being conscious of the benefits I have recieved, at any point that I asked Him for anything, I could feel the sweet sting of humility. I had reverence of all He has already done for me, and I was asking with a heart posture that admited I still needed His help, I will always need His help.


"Conscious of benefit receieved" = understanding that I deserve hell but He's given me a life of  joy and love instead.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."

1 Chronicles 16:34 NIV

 picture of the day:

not exactly his craftsman:)

He is making me whole.

I have reccently realized that the season I am currently in with the Lord is growing and shifting. I wouldn't go so far as to say I am entering into an entirely new season but rather just adding a new component. A new revelation that the Lord has used to propel me forward. The idea of becoming whole.

Whole: 1. free of wound or injury; unhurt; recovered from a wound or injury; restored; being healed.

After looking up the multiple definitions of whole, I was moved to tears by what Merriam-Webster had to say about the matter. The definition above screams restoration and redemption to me. I wear many scars on my flesh and also among my heart, that mark moments in the past where my rock bottom was deeper then I ever imagined. Moments where either I brought myself there or others had drug me along to places I should have never had to see. But, as dark and sinful as in all was, I couldn't be more thankful that I was brought there. I am truly humbled by how faithful my God is to always leave me a way out. There is ALWAYS a way out, no matter how deep you think you are. Once out, I get to choose to lay it all down at the feet of my redeeming King. He takes my wounds, injuries and scars and turns them into badges of honor. I get to walk around, not hiding, but rather showing off my scars and declaring how my God has redeemed and restored me. Badges of honor that prove His love for me. I am being healed. He takes my brokeness and turns it into beautiful. Through my wounds I get to show girls who are walking through the same brokeness I took a decent amount of time stuck in, that true redemption lives. Through the work He has done in me, I am blessed to be a walking testimony that there is a God in heaven who adores us and wants nothing more then to make us whole.

Whole: 2. having all its proper parts or components; complete.

Last week, I had a very powerful meeting with my youth pastor that revealed the false source of which I had been seeking wholeness. It is safe to say, that majority of the scars I wear are results of broken, ungodly relationships that took place in my past. As the brokeness rotted, it evolved into the unstable foundation on which I stood in view of men and relationships with them. My vision was so blurry that while my pastor was asking me questions about men and relationships, my answers began contradicting themselves. As we dug deeper, slowly but surely, my unstable foundation was crumbling. It didn't take long till we found the rotten root. [The root: everything about relationships is wrong and I am not complete without a man]. I am pleased that I am able to laugh about it now but it is actually quite heartbreaking to me that I believed that self contradicting nonsense. It was never, NEVER, God's plan that a man would complete me, no matter how much our culture wants to convince me otherwise. A man can add to me but never complete me, that position is for Jesus alone to fill. The purpose of a husband is to add to what is already whole and complete between the Lord and I. My attention should be so completely set on the Lord alone that my husband will have to go through the Lord to get to me. My husband will be the nitrous to my engine. The car in running perfectly fine without him and if he were to leave, everything would still be running perfectly. He will serve as my extra boost and I as his. My husband will never be able to permenately fill my holes. He is capable of filling them for a short time but it will never last, it will never be enough. Luckily for him, it isn't his responsibility anyway, my holes are God shaped holes, that only HE can fill. ONLY God holds the "proper parts" and "compenents" that can complete me.

The reason for this season: to figuratively be alone in a room with the Lord and believe not only that He will restore&redeem my scars and fill my holes but also to believe Him when He tells me the truth of my worth, beauty and identity. Thus, embarking on the journey towards Him making me whole.

"I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John 17:22-23 NIV

"Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:4 NIV

picture of the day:

"iBanana"

My Mountain

My cheeks stung from the cool air on my walk this morning when I was reminded of the glory of my God. There it was. The mountain. Mt. Rainer and I have a precious relationship. A few weeks back, the Lord used that mountain to give me a revelation of true humilty. He gave me eyes to see the mountain as my mountain, the mountain He had the power to move if I had but the faith of a mustard seed. He showed me how that mountain was a pebble to Him. Healing all the wounds that have been left on my heart from those who have come and gone, seems impossible, like moving a mountain. But, my God promised me freedom. He died so I would have freedom. The challenge isn't on His end, it's on mine. Moving the mountain is not hard for Him, but me letting Him, that is where we run into the real challenge.

I have been disecting this revelation for the past few weeks now and I am seeing that the matter isn't that He needs to take the mountain out, He wants to help me over it. Yes, it would be easy for him to take it out wrecking ball style, but this time He wants this to be a journey that He and I will take together. But, is it possible for me to receive His grace enough to where I trust He isn't going to desert me halfway up the mountain? Here is where I take my first steps into grace and freedom. Believing He is a God of His word.

I am currently a first year intern at my church and let me begin by telling you that I am so sure this is exactly where the Lord wants me. Although it is a blast to get to spend everyday with a group of such anointed people, I can't deny how unbelievably hard it all is. Currently, my greatest issue is fighting my natural instinct to be a workaholic. I find myself getting so caught up in the busy schedule and rules that I miss the principles behind it all. The first year is all about sowing. On a daily basis I sow and serve my heart out without getting to see an instant harvest. But what harvest is ever instant? I have to trust my God. I WILL reap what I sow. I constantly have to check my heart to make sure it is in the right position. A position where my works are overflows of my faith and not attempts to earn anything. Something I have recently discovered is that your true heart issues become evident when you are serving. So naturally, everyday I get to come face to face with my mountain. There are days when I can feel myself slipping down the mountain and losing the ground I just covered, but my God is so good that He picks me up where I have fallen, dusts me off and places me back on my feet and higher up the mountain. When I let Him be the hero of my story, He and I gain more ground then I could have ever lost.

My church has an amazing view of Mt. Rainer. Every morning, when I am walking into the building I get to catch a glimpse of it. I stop and marvel at its beauty and mutter just one word, glory. While I am reminded of His promise, I hear the still, small voice wisper, "Keep going dear one. I am so proud of you. Don't stop till you reach the summit." From the summit I will get to look back and see all that I have been delieverd from and I will get to look forward into my Promised Land. Right now, only He can see what is on the other side.

On this journey over my mountain, I am awestruck by His love for me. He is so much bigger then I could ever imagine. He is my protector and deliverer. When I grow tired and weak, I will take refuge under His wing. He is my King. I am humbled by His glory.

So yes, my God. I will keep going and won't stop till I reach the summit of my mountain.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

My view of Mt. Rainer this morning. glory.

Where to begin...

Just to live in the light about things, my first attempt at a blog post isn't going too well. You see, I've sat here for about an hour thinking of how a girl might begin a blog when she's not quite so sure what the point of her blog will be. My beloved friend told me I should start a blog so that even though she's thousands of miles away, she would know whats going on in my heart. It was her small request that sparked a flame in me.

I quite frankly have been thinking much about this blog.Where do i begin? Where will it go? Do I have time? What will it be about? What will the title be? a mess of questions flying through my head but the one thing that stuck out the most from the entanglement of it all, was my friends comment...she wanted to know what was going on in my heart... what IS going on in my heart?

So there. I exposed my heart on this matter and now to start discovering what my plan of attack shall be...

Step 1: Start. Where do i begin?... although bumpy, I think we got that one.

Step 2: Devise a plan. Where will it go?...wherever the Lord takes it.

Step 3: Schedule.  Do I have time?...no. but who does? it's not my time anyway. it's His.

Step 4: Discovering it's purpose. What will it be about?...anything and everything. I plan to share my heart on the current and future (God willing) seasons of my life and walk with my King, Jesus.

Step 5: Name it. What will the title be?... hmm. this one took some brainstorming and much prayer but as you can see I decided on "in the midst of a storm". First, I thought, "no way. that's way to depressing!" but after I took it up with the Lord, we both knew that there really wasn't any option more perfect. You see, my life is a storm. I could provide you with post after post about the messes I've made and the messes I've been trapped in. But, in midst of all the mess, my God always, ALWAYS, brings me from glory to glory. I couldn't tell you how, but here I will share the what, who, when and where.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, this will most likely be a bumpy ride so buckle up:)

"When I walk through the fire, when I walk through the flames, I won't be afraid.
 In the midst of a storm, when I'm weak and I'm worn, Your peace remains my song.
 I will praise You, I will sing, my whole life is Yours my King."

"I Will Praise You" by, Generation Unleashed

picture of the day:

 

pumpkin pie blizzards